What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 08:04
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
How do military families handle communication when a service member is injured overseas?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What is the rudest/meanest thing a family member has said to you?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How do women feel when they are in love?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do guys ever want to suck a dick even though they are straight?
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
I was 9 years of age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He knew the spot.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ive learnt so much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was scared of men, in general
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I think the readers, may guess!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?